Thursday, April 11, 2013

Bling & Gratitude

When I moved to NYC, I vowed that The City wasn't going to change me.  There was no way that I was going to turn into one of those hard, jaded locals I remembered from growing up in Jersey.

Ha.

It happened on a day when I was walking down Flatbush Avenue to pick up some Thai food.  It was a rare treat for a budget that was a held together by the kindness of friends who hadn't quit their jobs to be stand up comedians and a delicate balance of semi-fresh vegetables and ramen noodles at the local Key Food supermarket. 

A kid came up to me and told me a story about how he just got a job and couldn't afford to get back and forth to work until he got paid.  He was too proud to tell his boss; he didn't want the boss to worry that he'd be unreliable. 

I handed him my metro card with ten dollars on it, apologized that it wasn't more, and smiled to myself.  I was proud to finally be in a place to help someone else, even if it meant my walking a little further than a sane person would normally choose to walk.  As he disappeared into the crowd, I happily pictured his face and his leather baseball hat and his...diamond earrings???

I was pissed.

Even fake, this guy had more bling in his ears than I probably had in my bank account that day.  Why was I giving to him?!?  And then I got pissed at myself for the fact that I was getting so angry, I wasn't going to even get to enjoy the good energy and karma from feeling good about giving and helping someone in need.

I know, ridiculous, right?

And then it hit me, I’m not proud to admit that it was about a month later:  I was giving with the hope of getting something in return.  Even that good feeling, the appreciation, the gratitude, whatever it is, is an expectation.  I was trying to connect because I wanted, even needed, something from this person to feel connected.

Next time I’ll try to just give.